Baldly Forward

One of the most psychologically damaging behaviors we humans share is trying to control things we have absolutely no control over. What a tremendous waste of our time and energy! But we all do it at some point in our lives, right?

For years, I did this with my hair loss. I tried various diets, thinking that if I was 100% disciplined, I’d stop what’s going on in my body. Instead of choosing a lifestyle that suited my nutritional and fitness needs for overall good health, I was trying to grow hair— or at least stop it from falling out.

Eating for Health, Not for Hair

Perhaps there is a way to eat and live that would help my hair grow. I haven’t found it, and now I’ve stopped looking. I see now that being so hyperfocused on hair growth was emotionally and mentally damaging to me. When I’d try something new and nothing changed, I’d blame myself. This kept me on an endless cycle of shame.

There’s no cure for autoimmune alopecia, but minimizing stress is necessary to manage it. Stress is horrible for all autoimmune diseases. The stress involved in my fight for control was surely worse for me than an occasional piece of bread.

Muting a Million Voices

I’m not saying we shouldn’t find ways to optimize our health, but I’m finding that my needs change continuously. For instance, I’m perimenopausal. I’ll likely write about that whole mess soon. The way that medicine treats women before, during, and after menopause is dismissive and degrading. I know I’ll have to continue to hear my own voice, do my own research, find community, and figure it out.

There are a million voices that enter our orbit when we seek information about health online. How do we know which voices to listen to and which ones to immediately mute? I don’t have the answer to that. Besides, the answer is different for each of us. What I’m doing for myself these days is recognizing anything that feels too rigid or unkind. When I use the word, “unkind” in this context, I mean any voice that tells me that I’m a failure because I’m not a size 0 or don’t have luxurious locks of hair. Any voice that tells me to run through the pain… to fracture my body so that I, too, can be their version of health— is going on mute for me. I will not harm my body or my spirit any longer.

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

Acceptance is divine healing. It can allow us to be present in the NOW. Right now I’m bald, a few pounds up from a few years ago, and in my purple pajamas. I accept me in this moment.

This is the reason I’m able to write about my experience at all. I’m learning to accept what I can’t change, and that’s changing my life. It’s giving me purpose again.  

A few years back when I first started “coming out” bald, I worked with a therapist to soothe my anxiety around being seen without a wig or hat. After having a couple sessions, I woke one morning and as I started to walk from my bedroom to get ready for the day, I heard my own voice say:

“I’ll never try to change the fact that I’m bald again.”

I must write it again. “I’ll never try to change the fact that I’m bald again.”

Join Me in Letting Go

You can remove the bald part and fill in the blank. While I’m still working on my self-confidence, I’ve taken something about myself that I have no control over off my to-do list. It’s a life changer. When I slip back into my controlling ways, I remind myself of that moment.

I’ll leave us all with the Serenity Prayer below. The “wisdom to know the difference” part has taken on new meaning for me today. What if we deepen our understanding of what we can’t change, what we can, and have the wisdom to know what needs changing at all? What if we redirect all of the energy we’re putting into the unchangeable and free ourselves once and for all? I’m in!

Whatever your source of spiritual wisdom is, whether you call that source God, the Universe, or nothing at all, I think this well-known prayer succinctly and profoundly explains how to be kinder to ourselves and how to question our thoughts to gain freedom.

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.